My Most Intense Psychedelic Journey So Far – Steve Pavlina

I blocked off Friday night for an additional magic mushroom journey. For the two experiences final month, I used about 1.5g of dried mushrooms every time. This time I opted to take 4.2g, consuming the dried mushrooms plain, beginning at 5pm. I belief my instinct concerning how a lot to take, figuring this a lot may invite a reasonably intense expertise. It was truly tremendous intense, method past what I skilled with ayahuasca and my two prior mushroom journeys.

It actually began kicking in after about 40 minutes. I placed on a watch masks and laid again on the sofa whereas listening to music. It flowed properly at first with a lot of red-orange visuals and a beautiful vibe of opening up the stream of communication. Then it started to get actually intense round 90 minutes in, and it stayed very intense for a number of extra hours.

On this put up I’m going to share concerning the expertise and the insights with a thematic group, so it makes extra sense for you when studying it. This implies I’m leaping round lots in time relative to the stream of the particular expertise to give attention to one theme at a time. The precise expertise was multi-layered with many features taking place concurrently.

Unbelievable Time Dilation

The journey took 9 hours from begin to end however felt method longer. The time dilation was extraordinary. At some factors it appeared prefer it took ridiculously lengthy for the clock to advance only one minute. I bear in mind seeing that it was precisely 10:00, then I’d float into extra processing for a protracted stretch, and once I got here to and checked out my watch once more, it was nonetheless 10:00. So loopy! I keep in mind that the ten minutes from 10:00 to 10:10 felt like an eternity, like midnight should be years and even centuries away.

I knew that point dilation was frequent with psychedelics, however I didn’t anticipate it to be so excessive. It felt reassuring when the stream of time very step by step elevated once more, but it surely nonetheless wasn’t totally again to regular once I went to mattress a bit after 2am.

A Cosmic Curler Coaster Experience

I bear in mind swearing aloud lots throughout the expertise from the depth of it. It wasn’t a lot emotionally or mentally intense. It was energetically and spiritually intense, like my vitality matrix was being pulled and stretched and recoded from the within. I saved drifting from an consciousness of the bodily world again into some state that felt like an absence of spacetime. A part of me truly appreciated that although.

Emotionally I didn’t really feel worry, anxiousness, disgrace, guilt, remorse, or something alongside these traces. It was like the feeling of being on a loopy lengthy energetic curler coaster the place you’ll be able to’t predict the turns or dips very far upfront, and also you simply need to experience it out.

This explicit rollercoaster crossed by means of a number of dimensions of existence. Some stretches of observe went by means of the bodily airplane, some by means of dream-like visions and intense visuals, some by means of fully totally different dimensions of existence. Some elements have been quicker, some slower. And it felt like I used to be using this coaster for a extremely very long time, at the very least for hours if not days.

Bodily that was very disorienting… a lot dizziness and nausea. The worst half was the nausea, which stayed with me by means of round half of the expertise. I saved attempting to purge from time to time, even placing my finger at the back of my throat a number of occasions to attempt to make myself vomit over a trash can, figuring I’d really feel higher afterwards. I gagged a bit however couldn’t launch something aside from saliva. Even whereas attempting to purge, I saved dropping consciousness of my physique when the curler coaster experience would stream again into another dimension of existence. It was like attempting to purge whereas actively using a rollercoaster – very tough whereas the experience remains to be in movement and the bodily sensations saved shifting. My bodily physique felt prefer it was in a state of confusion for a lot of this journey.

Typically I needed to actually focus arduous to remain current to the bodily world for a bit, like if I needed to speak one thing to Rachelle, and I couldn’t keep current to it for very lengthy at a stretch.

Manifesting Water

I bear in mind being very thirsty at one level and attempting to recollect easy methods to get to the water. I had a glass of water on the sofa arm’s cupholder behind me, however I wasn’t positive if it nonetheless existed once I couldn’t see it. My sense of spatial orientation saved shifting round, and I couldn’t inform if the water and I have been in the identical dimension typically. The bodily universe was shifting round a lot that it was like being in a Physician Unusual film the place objects and their relative positions are shifting round, so I can by no means actually be too positive of the place something is.

It was just like the uncertainty precept was on overdrive, just like the water existed and didn’t exist on the identical time, and when it did exist, its place was a subject of potentialities, but it surely wasn’t required to be locked down into any place, maybe as a result of nobody was taking a look at it in that second. I didn’t have good management of my physique on the time, so I couldn’t simply flip round to make the water seem.

Finally I remembered that Rachelle was close by and that she was in all probability in the identical dimension because the water and may need a better time accessing it. She wasn’t taking any substances (aside from a salad) and helped me lots by means of the expertise. So I requested her if she may assist by giving me the water glass – typically it was tough to talk, however I acquired the phrases out and felt relieved when she acknowledged. It was wonderful how simply she reached behind me and introduced me the water glass, which felt like she was bringing it into my dimension, or perhaps she was instantiating the water for me. Then I used to be capable of drink some and hand the glass again to her. I believe at that time the water went again into uncertainty or uninstantiated mode, like the concept of its existence was nonetheless there, but it surely was now not bodily current.

Simply as I skilled some spatial disorientation, I had a while disorientation too, along with the time dilation. I bear in mind feeling confused concerning what was previous, current, and future whereas I used to be going by means of it. Typically I felt like I may be looping a bit, however then I centered on the music, which helped remind me that point was nonetheless advancing in a ahead course with the beats of the music.

Non secular Decluttering

There have been so many various phases of this expertise. I may in all probability fill a number of books from the post-experiential insights that come from additional reflection. My present understanding is that what I went by means of was like an lively or non secular decluttering, just like once I cleaned out my storage just a few summers in the past. There was nobody principal lesson to actually perceive or be taught throughout this journey. It wasn’t a instructing session per se. And it wasn’t about therapeutic. It was like I used to be cleansing up and refactoring outdated legacy code in my software program.

The feeling of letting go and releasing what was now not wanted was an enormous a part of the expertise. For a lot of it, I even felt like I used to be letting go and releasing energies on behalf of humanity or perhaps from another elements of the matrix, however in a method that didn’t really feel prefer it was private to my present human life. It wasn’t actually about clearing out outdated reminiscences or my private previous, though there was a small quantity of that sensation current too. It felt extra like cleansing out a multi-dimensional storage.

I even bear in mind saying aloud issues like, “Simply let all of it go,” and “Take all of it away.” However more often than not I wasn’t conscious of what “it” was that was being let go.

Often, particularly close to the ultimate hours, I grew to become conscious of invites to do extra particular processing that I may consciously perceive, like releasing outdated energies from my first marriage. However largely it was only a jumble of processing taking place in ways in which didn’t hyperlink to particular ideas, emotions, or reminiscences. The curler coaster largely went by means of unfamiliar territory.

As I mirrored on it afterwards, I sensed that the rationale I couldn’t purge throughout the expertise was that I wasn’t eradicating or eliminating. I used to be letting go of misaligned vitality patterns however not the vitality itself. So I wasn’t actually shedding something within the sense of eliminating it. These outdated vitality patterns have been being reprocessed, recycled, repurposed, reorganized, reconfigured, and so forth. I sensed that the extended nausea was what the physique skilled from the cleanup course of, just like how one would possibly sneeze a bunch whereas cleansing out dusty gadgets in a storage or how your physique would possibly create totally different bodily sensations on a curler coaster experience. It was simply a part of the method, and all I may do was enable the physique to have its response.

Holographic Actuality

A bit later within the expertise, I felt very in tune with the holographic nature of actuality. I noticed the whole lot as being linked energetically, like the whole lot we expertise in life was layered on prime of deeper layers, however all of the layers have been truly totally different representations of the identical actuality, simply seen from totally different angles. What occurs in “actual life” is identical as what occurs in fiction, as an illustration. All that we experiences as people is intricately linked collectively. Whether or not we go to work or watch a film, we’re nonetheless experiencing the identical underlying actuality, simply from totally different vantage factors. We will have significant experiences by means of any type of interface – by means of science, by means of fiction, or by means of science fiction – it’s all the identical beneath anyway. It simply that totally different interfaces filter the underlying actuality in order to emphasise some options whereas downplaying others, inflicting us to note extra of some features and fewer of others. Therefore utilizing a number of interfaces will help us acquire extra information concerning the underlying actuality. I.e. go to work and watch a film too, after which search to attach the dots between them as a result of they are surely linked.

I even noticed how the Legend of Zelda video games have been an analogy for various features of our human lives, giving folks the chance to discover their relationship with darkness and evil. I sensed that the design workforce truly knew this and intentionally made these video games to serve humanity on this method… so we may do issues like discover violence and heroism in ways in which extra folks would discover acceptable.

At one level I invited Rachelle to assist me ship love vitality to Ganon (the unhealthy man within the Zelda video games), realizing that the fictional character was a holographic projection of how humanity pertains to its darkish aspect. She laughed however agreed to associate with it. I knew it was fiction, however I additionally knew that energetically, it was additionally actual… like how the Power from Star Wars is each fiction and a pointer to one thing actual on the identical time.

This perception resonates as a result of once I was youthful, I used to be impressed by Star Trek: The Subsequent Technology to reside my life considerably just like the characters on the present. Nobody had a daily job working to pay their payments, so I haven’t had a job in 30+ years. The inspiring invitation was to give attention to doing fascinating work, be an explorer, delve into significant relationships, be of service to humanity, keep aligned along with your deepest values, and at all times select to work on what feels purposeful and significant. Dwell like there’s no such factor as cash as a result of cash simply isn’t crucial, and it’s foolish to give attention to it a lot. Getting a job is okay but in addition pointless as a result of the universe is so plentiful and might create no matter we’d like. We simply have to acknowledge the reality of that. We make it actual by deciding to make it actual.

It’s essential for us to concentrate to inspiration wherever it comes from. Does it matter that I used to be impressed by a fictional world to reside my life a sure method? No – as a result of it’s all the identical underlying actuality as what we be taught on the nonfiction aspect. Those self same classes may have come from wherever.

Permitting House for Evil Whereas Retaining Freedom

I additionally realized that evil must win typically as a result of it’s an essential a part of the expertise of exploring evil. If evil may by no means have a victory, that wouldn’t be particularly reasonable, and nobody would need to discover that facet of actuality. Actuality isn’t so judgmental about it as a result of it will get to discover evil from many various angles. Evil wants an opportunity to typically win to ensure that sufficient vitality to have the ability to stream into exploring it. That perspective made me really feel extra compassionately in direction of what I would think about to be evil.

One motive we have now a lot fictional evil, equivalent to in video video games and flicks, is so we will discover and expertise much more of it with out destabilizing the remainder of our experiential actuality. If somebody goes too far in exploring evil to the purpose the place everyone seems to be enslaved or killed, it ruins the fact and goes in opposition to its objective, so there are mechanisms on this dimension to forestall that from taking place.

By creating sims inside the Sim (like video games, VR, films, books, and so forth), we will discover evil fairly effectively whereas additionally retaining the liberty to discover a lot of different features of life. This simulation is designed to retain plenty of freedom, not essentially on a person stage – folks can nonetheless find yourself in jail, as an illustration – however on a extra macro scale, so all of humanity doesn’t find yourself in jail or equal.

Staying Energetically Grounded

Once I was actually within the thick of it and I felt like time was barely advancing, I saved reminding myself aloud, “That is short-term.” That was a tip I had learn someplace, and I need to say that it was useful. It helped me keep in a spot of give up, not panic, and simply let it play out.

I additionally saved asking Rachelle alongside the best way to ship love vitality, telling her that it helps. When she’d accomplish that, I’d instantly discover the visuals shifting to turn into brighter and extra red-orange-yellow.

I additionally saved reminding myself to remain linked to the vibe of affection vitality. Typically I’d say the phrase “love” aloud, even a number of occasions in a row. It’s arduous to recollect precisely if I did that, however Rachelle confirmed afterwards that I saved saying, “love, love, love” throughout a part of the expertise. I believe I mentioned these phrases as educational reminders to myself… however with the emotional emphasis of swear phrases.

I didn’t really feel like I wanted to be bodily grounded – I used to be okay floating by means of the cosmos and seeing intense visuals – however I actually needed to remain tethered to the vibe of affection vitality as a lot as attainable. I believe that helped. Love vitality was like my seat and harness on the curler coaster experience, protecting me feeling existentially protected regardless of all of the bodily disorientation.

At no level throughout the expertise did I really feel threatened or like I used to be going to die. I knew I’d be okay. Typically I’d even reassure Rachelle that I used to be okay however that it was simply REALLY intense. It was like being on a fast-moving experience however probably not fearing for one’s life. I didn’t need her to fret. I actually admire that she’s so good at protecting her vibe up whereas I’m going by means of these experiences – I sense that’s actually essential, particularly when she’s in the identical room with me.

I believe this connects with why I didn’t often like being within the room with everybody else at Rythmia in Costa Rica throughout the ayahuasca ceremonies I did there in 2019. I most well-liked to be outdoors on the grass for a lot of the expertise. The vitality of the open sky and the celebrities felt method higher than the chaotic vitality of 40 folks all in the identical room collectively. Despite the fact that they inspired us to stay inside collectively, I believe perhaps that was extra for their very own monitoring comfort.

The Downslope

My favourite half was the ultimate few hours the place Rachelle and I cuddled on the sofa collectively whereas doing extra processing, a few of it collectively. By that time the nausea lastly started to subside. Being in cuddle-space felt so pleasant and comforting, and the remaining time was much more mild. I actually love the downslope of those experiences, like when the curler coaster is lastly pulling into the station on the finish (even when it nonetheless takes hours to really get there). I felt exhilarated and joyful – and reassured to see the station close by. I felt relieved to have lastly made it by means of the actually intense half, however I additionally needed to hold with the vitality of the expertise longer to see what insights or additional processing would possibly come up. The downslope is the simple a part of the experience.

A bit after midnight once I thought the expertise was winding down, and I felt able to nudge it to a detailed, I took some Liver Rescue (an natural liver detoxifier) and ate a small quantity of blueberries. I figured that will assist my physique course of out the remaining psilocybin.

However no. I don’t understand how, however that truly appeared to have the alternative impact, as if these blueberries additionally contained psilocybin. Inside minutes I felt a recent wave ramping up once more. I felt like I used to be phasing again into psychedelic house once more, and the visuals got here again after which elevated in depth. This one wasn’t practically as robust as the sooner waves, however I needed to experience by means of one other spherical of the expertise. This half concerned extra psychological and emotional processing that was extra clearly private, linked to varied reminiscences and features of my life. That was high-quality although. I used to be somewhat drained however nonetheless had adequate vitality to maintain going, so although I used to be stunned, I welcomed it and relaxed into it, largely whereas sitting subsequent to or cuddling with Rachelle. Typically I flowed with the expertise silently, and typically I talked along with her about it as I went by means of it.

I spent the ultimate half-hour taking notes concerning the expertise, even whereas I used to be nonetheless having some lingering results, so I may bear in mind most of the particulars later. I needed to seize as most of the key particulars and insights as attainable. After I went to mattress, I may inform I used to be nonetheless doing extra processing all by means of the night time however largely subconsciously. I had such unusual goals.

The following morning I spent one other hour writing down extra notes, and once more the following day too. Scripting this weblog put up helped me course of extra layers of the expertise too.

The Bodily Problem

My intention for this journey was quite simple – simply 4 phrases: deep, mild, loving, gentle. It was positively deep, loving, and light-weight. I don’t know concerning the mild half, however maybe it was as mild because it may have been relative to the processing that was taking place.

I really feel like my thoughts, coronary heart, and spirit all really feel fairly well-aligned with exploring psychedelic house and don’t provide any critical resistance to it. I believe these features of me truly prefer it. My bodily physique is one other story although.

The toughest a part of these explorations has been the bodily sensations, particularly nausea and dizziness. I don’t thoughts purging, particularly if it helps me really feel higher afterwards, however I’m not tremendous eager on enduring hours of nausea. So I’m questioning if there’s an answer to that and if there’s someway I may have higher psychedelic experiences bodily.

I’m amazed that many individuals are capable of lie down and bodily loosen up by means of these sorts of experiences. I can solely do this throughout the starting and throughout the downslope however not throughout probably the most intense half. I’ve to sit down up since even the considered mendacity down throughout that half makes me really feel dizzy and tremendous nauseous. I can hold my eyes closed for many of the journey, however my physique feels significantly better staying upright.

For a lot of this expertise, I used to be even sitting on the ground, not feeling like I may even get again up onto the sofa.

I’m beginning to surprise about my physique’s relationship with psychedelic house, like perhaps asking or intending the substances to be mild with the physique isn’t fairly the suitable kind of intention to carry. That framing appeared prefer it helped up to now, however I’m undecided if it helped this time. I really feel like the problem is probably not with the substances however slightly with my physique’s willingness to cooperate.

Once I tune in to my physique, the message I get in response is extra like a FOMO feeling (worry of lacking out). As an alternative of attempting to loosen up my physique to the purpose of zoning out bodily and going absolutely right into a psychological, emotional, and non secular house, I believe my physique desires to come back alongside for the experience someway and that it senses there’s a greater method to try this. It feels partly like my physique desires to affix within the enjoyable. It doesn’t need to be considered a burdensome bodily tether that I need to temporally go away behind. I believe it desires me to discover a extra inclusive framing, so it might nonetheless experience with me.

So I’m questioning about different methods to discover psychedelics that will invite my physique to be extra cooperative. Possibly I may attempt incorporating motion like dancing or strolling in nature. I don’t see how I may have finished that throughout the intense elements of this journey with out turning into too dizzy, however I may attempt that with a decrease dosage. I believe perhaps my physique is attempting to level me in a course I wouldn’t have in any other case thought-about if it wasn’t placing up such a fuss, prefer it’s doing that to get my consideration and invite me to contemplate extra alternate options.

My physique feels calmer once I’m touching Rachelle too – it actually likes her presence. So I do know my physique likes having contact as a part of the expertise. What else does it need although?

That is positively one facet I’d love to determine, so if anybody with expertise on this space has some recommendation or insights to supply, I’d love to listen to from you. Be at liberty to ship me a message by way of my contact type.

I get the impression that as an alternative of attempting to fully tune out from the bodily, I can discover in such a method that the bodily stays a part of the expertise with out sacrificing the opposite features of the exploration. I believe it could be the mistaken framing for me to have assumed that the bodily facet must get out of the best way, so the opposite frequencies can come by means of extra prominently. I actually don’t assume this is a matter of my physique fearing dying or something like that, so the “worry” facet of FOMO isn’t actually correct right here. I believe it’s extra that my physique needs and senses that it may be extra built-in into psychedelic journeys. This isn’t what I anticipated, however on some stage it does appear cheap to me.

Now I’m questioning if I can invite the bodily features to be a part of the journey collectively but nonetheless go actually deep. If this bodily actuality is all holographic anyway, why not?

I believe I’ll ask about this facet at Tuesday night time’s native psychedelic integration circle since there are some very skilled folks there who could have an fascinating perspective on this.

Life Goal

Close to the tip of the expertise, I additionally requested about my life objective. I’ve felt fairly effectively linked to that for a very long time now, however I used to be curious to see if something new or totally different would come by means of. It was largely a affirmation of what I already knew – within the type of two phrases however with an fascinating emphasis within the second half that actually resonated.

The primary phrase was lightbringer. The that means that got here by means of was that I’m right here to shine a lightweight on totally different features of life and existence. Principally simply hold sharing truthfully about this human expertise, particularly in areas the place different folks aren’t sharing in as a lot element. So hold proper on exploring and sharing as a result of that’s why I’m right here. Don’t maintain again in telling it like it’s. It’s a easy and simple objective – and really versatile. I positively really feel this fits me effectively. This confirms why I really feel so at dwelling with the work I do and the approach to life I get pleasure from.

The second phrase was depth. The message right here was that it’s truly a key a part of my objective to convey the depth and to not maintain again. I used to be proven that once I get into new social teams, it’s completely high-quality to share my intense aspect from the start. I don’t must construct as much as that a lot. Sure, it can sometimes hassle some folks, but it surely’s additionally very genuine for me to be within the house of depth, and I may be doing different folks a disservice by attempting to tone that down an excessive amount of. I can nonetheless be compassionate and intense on the identical time, and it’s extra purposeful for me to maintain the depth up when that feels aligned to me. This half resonated since I do appear to really feel proper at dwelling when having intense experiences. There’s part of me that simply loves depth. It’s like my soul’s favourite espresso. I additionally don’t really feel turned off or proof against different folks having intense experiences in my presence – it doesn’t make me uncomfortable if individuals are crying or sobbing or doing intense emotional processing. Even when folks get mad at me, I willingly obtain that too. I have a tendency to search out such experiences lovely as a result of that’s when individuals are being very actual, susceptible, and intimate. This half actually landed with me, and I need to take extra time to mirror upon it additional. I knew I appreciated depth, however I don’t recall occupied with it as being a part of my life objective earlier than.

This depth thread flows by means of so many features of my life – shoplifting once I was a young person, going by means of school in three semesters, taking part in a lot of pc video games, operating my very own companies for 30+ years, martial arts coaching, open relationships, D/s, journey, subjective actuality explorations, public talking, teaching, constructing communities, 30-day challenges, and naturally exploring psychedelics. Someway the house of depth is like my pure resting level. It looks like my dwelling base. I do know that intuitively, however being on this actuality could make {that a} arduous factor to simply accept typically since so many individuals on this world exude worry, anxiousness, and stress over experiences that I innately discover pleasurable and comforting. The sorts of experiences that stress some folks out simply don’t have that impact on me.

I really feel prefer it’s going to take me weeks to proceed processing this expertise, perhaps longer, and that much more realizations (maybe the most effective ones) will come by means of the unfolding integration course of, not from the direct expertise itself. What I shared right here was only a small fraction of what the general expertise was like. It was extremely dense, maybe as a result of actuality cheated by slowing the stream of time so it may pack extra in.

I’m glad I acquired this in earlier than our upcoming UK journey. I really feel prefer it’s simply good timing-wise to go journey for just a few weeks, together with hanging out with my TLC pals. That looks like precisely the correct of stream to ask subsequent. I sense that this psychedelic journey could have helped me clear out some outdated patterns, so I might be much more open to new experiences, adventures, and connections on this journey.

These little shrooms actually pack a punch!